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Celebrity Traitors - paranoia deepens as traitor behaviour splits opinion
Image source: BBC/Studio Lambert
By Emma Saunders
Culture reporter
Published 16 minutes ago
Spoiler warning: This article reveals details from episode seven of The Celebrity Traitors, series two.
Six days is a long time in The Celebrity Traitors. So it was a relief to be put out of our misery as last Friday's literal yawn-fest came to its slow-burning conclusion; the traitorous trio eventually succeeding in their mission to kill in plain sight.
The snoozefest - which involved reluctant traitor James Acaster making faithful Ross Kemp yawn by boring him to tears - meant the paranoid EastEnders star was finally put out of his misery. On learning his fate, the actor turned to Shakespeare - who else?
"To thine own self be true," he declared, quoting Polonius from Hamlet.
"And I was."
As usual at breakfast, the faithfuls seated early mused over who may have been murdered overnight:
"If Jerry's not here, I don't think I can handle it," Romesh Ranganathan confessed.
Jerry Hall was charmingly late to the party. After everyone had discussed Ross's demise, she piped up in her famous Texan drawl: "Is Ross gone?"
As the typical off-the-wall theories began to swirl, Jerry later told Miranda Hart she suspected fellow faithful James Blunt - for the very plausible reason that "his face is redder than a fox's ass at gooseberry time." It's as good a reason as any proffered so far this series.
Once the croissant crumbs had been cleared, it was time for a mission that threw the cat among the pigeons - not least because the traitor's lair it took place in "smelled like a litter tray," according to Jerry.
Miranda felt there were more complex olfactory notes at play: "A mix of salmon, cheap cologne and crotch." Delightful.
The mission involved each player having to build a shield on a plinth in front of them out of 3D jigsaw-type pieces which were buried in troughs in sawdust. Think Krypton Factor meets lucky dip.
At three intervals, a bell would ring, and the players all had to stop and put on blindfolds for a few minutes. The traitors could then remove theirs and go about sabotaging the handiwork of anyone they fancied. And while James A revealed he was "starting to have more fun" after murdering poor Ross, if there was a prize for the worst traitor of all time, he would still smash it.
He was too scared to take off his blindfold and remove any shield pieces from the faithfuls, leaving the dirty work - and all the risk - to fellow traitors Maya Jama and King Kenny. Suffice to say, they were not impressed.
"He didn't even lift the blindfold off - I'm speechless," said Maya.
James A knew he was in trouble: "I'm aware I'll get a dressing down in the turret but I am the one who killed Grant Mitchell."
He wasn't wrong about the telling off. And the fact he completed his own puzzle, earning himself a shield, must have really riled his co-conspirators.
To be fair, you could argue he's playing a blinder - there's been very little suspicion of him so far.
Three other celebrities also managed to complete their shield puzzles - James B, Joanne McNall, and Michael Sheen - but no money was banked after Maya and Kenny panicked and didn't remove any pieces at their last opportunity.