It's a Brutal Adjustment': Navigating the Transition When Your Child Goes to University
BBC News
Luke, (not his real name), recalls feeling a complex mix of pride and grief when dropping his son off at university for the first time. "It feels like a brutal adjustment," he says, "After 18 years of seeing him every day and taking care of him, I miss him so much and I don't really know what to do with myself."
Like many parents, Luke has found solace in online support groups—first for practical information, then as a source of mounting anxiety. These Facebook groups for parents and carers of students in the same halls, as well as university-wide groups with thousands of members, are filled with questions about everything from social integration to Amazon parcel deliveries.
While these groups initially provided helpful guidance, Luke now finds them overwhelming. "People will post things like: 'Is it normal to spend so much time in your room?'; 'I'm worried my daughter is struggling to make friends'; 'My child isn't replying to messages - how often are people hearing from theirs?'" He even tracks his son's location using a tracking app, driven by a desire to ensure he's socialising enough.
Across campuses, parents have taken to WhatsApp group chats—a familiar tool during school years—to share worries and tips. "Sometimes parents send their child to university and they're not even worried, but these group chats create a worry that something might be wrong," says Rayyah Uddin, a third-year student at the University of Nottingham.
While Rayyah acknowledges some students may benefit from parental input, she warns against overinvolvement. "These are issues the students should really be figuring out for themselves...it's better if parents try and talk to their child rather than immediately jump to other parents."
Psychologist Charlotte Armitage agrees that while parent support groups can be helpful, they become problematic when used to share private difficulties or track a student's movements. "Constant checking, tracking, or intervening may soothe the parent in the short term but it can inadvertently communicate to the young adult: 'I am not sure you can cope without me.'"