Why more women carry the 'mental load' - and how couples can share it
BBC News
"My head's always full"
"My head's always full," says mum-of-three Stacie Matthias. "I go to sleep with a mental to-do list." She's referring to the concept of the "mental load", the burden of planning, organising, remembering, and anticipating tasks that keep a household running.
These tasks include:
- Remembering school trips
- Checking for updates in parents' WhatsApp groups
- Noticing which parts of the house need cleaning
- Monitoring children's sleep
- Scheduling doctors' appointments
- Buying school uniforms
Academics suggest this work disproportionately falls to women, particularly mothers, alongside the bulk of physical household labour. While relationships vary widely, studies point to clear patterns.
With children returning to school from summer holidays, Stacie, 37, from Stockport, feels her mind becomes especially busy in September. "It's that feeling of always having something to remember, organise or worry about," she explains, "that makes this time of year particularly full-on."
In a US study involving 3,000 parents, researchers found mothers handle 71% of household tasks requiring mental effort, such as tracking laundry and fridge food expiration dates. Fathers, on the other hand, tend to manage tasks less frequently occurring, like remembering car servicing.
Prof Leah Ruppaner from the University of Melbourne describes the mental load as "invisible, enduring, and without boundaries." "You don't bring your dishes to work," she says, "but you bring the mental load everywhere."
The topic has garnered online discussions on forums like Reddit and Mumsnet, where mothers seek advice on how to discuss their mental load with partners. Some feel they're added as the "default parent" to school WhatsApp groups, while their partners never join.
Sophia, a 35-year-old mum of three in Portsmouth, pays for school trips and makes lunch orders on her children's school app, but her husband hasn't downloaded it. She explains he dismissed her concerns about the mental load as "quick tasks," failing to understand the planning, anticipation, and constant forward thinking involved.
Sam Berry, a deputy headteacher, content creator, and married dad of two in London, agrees with Sophia's experience. When his wife first raised the idea of mental load, he found it difficult to grasp. "When I look at what goes into running a household," he says, "I'm like 'wow, that is a lot'."